Why is it so hard to shop for others?

There are lots of stresses during the holiday season.  You may have to prepare to spend time with lots of family.  You may have to get your home ready for an invasion of guests.  On top of everything else, you are expected to go out and buy lots of gifts.  And despite all of the jokes about regifting, none of us wants to know that our gift was the one that got passed on down the line.

There wouldn’t be all of those jokes about regifting if it were easy to shop for others.  Why is it so hard?  What can you do about it?

There are lots of reasons why it is hard to shop for others, but here are a few big ones.

First, remember that it is often hard to know what you want for yourself until you are actually in the situation in which you are faced with making a purchase or trying out something new.  Since the 1970s, psychologists have pointed out that there is an inconsistency between people’s attitudes—what they say that they will do—and their behavior—what they actually do.  A big part of this difference between attitudes and behavior is that it is just hard to predict what you are going to want in the future.  So, even if you ask people what they would like as a gift, when they actually get it, they may be disappointed.

Second, there is a tendency for people to act as though others have similar taste to themselves.  This is not an explicit belief.  If asked, you’d probably admit that your taste is different from other people’s taste.  However, when you’re actually in a store looking at gifts, you tend to decide what you think looks fun or pretty or attractive or tasty based on your own biases.  You make these judgments implicitly, without realizing the degree to which your own tastes are affecting your judgment.  That’s why you might nail the fact that your best friend needs a new sweater and still buy one that will never get worn.

What can you do about this?  Here are a few suggestions.

Try to base your judgments of what to get for someone on what they do rather than what they say.  For people you know well, think about their activities.  How do they spend their time?  Get gifts that support those activities.  For people you don’t know that well, guide conversations with them or with others (like their parents if they are younger children) toward what they do rather than what they want.  When you ask people what they want, they will often draw a blank.  Even if they have ideas, they may not think about all of the activities they do during the year.  But if you ask about what people like to do, they will give you a list of hobbies and leisure activities that may guide the selection of gifts.

One reason to focus on people’s activities is that otherwise you tend to look for rather generic gifts that you feel might appeal to anyone.  Often, the things that catch your eye in the store are gifts that you understand immediately when you see them.  The problem with many of those gifts is that if you understand them immediately, there may not be much more to them than what is on the surface.  As a result, you may tire of them quickly as well.  Many novelty gifts are like this, such as the trophy fish that sings a song when anyone gets near it, or the hat that allows you to attach a drink can and straw to it.  As much fun as gifts like this might look on display in the store, they quickly find themselves in the back of the closet gathering dust.

Finally, stay away from gifts that require you to make taste judgments.  Unless you have great confidence in your taste and are repeatedly complimented by others for your judgments, stick with gifts that you can evaluate based on their features rather than on their beauty.  It is just too hard to overcome your own biases to really see gifts through someone else’s eyes.   

Some holiday shopping tips

The worldwide economy is still shaky, and retailers are hoping that the holiday shopping season will help to improve their revenues.  The stores are working hard with sales and other promotions to encourage you to buy more.  If you are planning to do some holiday shopping for your family and friends (and yourself), how can you take advantage of holiday deals without breaking your budget?

To think about shopping smart, we have to start by remembering that there are two main modes of thinking that we engage when we are making decisions.  The “cool” mode is the one in which we are able to plan, to think about the features of products, and to weigh options.  The “hot” mode is the one in which our emotions and motivations drive the decision. 

Now, here are some ways to help you stay on budget.

1)  First, make sure that you actually set up a budget for holiday shopping.  It is amazing how often people enter into the holiday shopping period without thinking specifically about how much they want to spend for the year.

It makes sense that we don’t want to think about our budget.  If money is tight, then thinking about how much (or perhaps how little) there is to spend on gifts is unpleasant.  And who wants to think about unhappy things as we enter the holiday season. 

But if you don’t set a budget, you are courting a disaster in the long-term. Better think responsibly and set an amount that you plan to spend.  If you think that you’re likely to go over budget, then set your initial budget a little low.

When you set your budget, decide both how much money you want to spend and also how you want to distribute that money.  That is, make sure that you have thought through all of the people on your gift list.  Nothing can pinch your budget more than realizing at the last moment that you have forgotten gifts for key relatives or friends.

2)  Your hot mode of thought is not going to help you stay on budget.  The hot mode works by driving you to fulfill a goal that you have.  So, when you see something exciting in the store, the hot mode becomes active and seeks a way for you to get what you want.  One way that the hot system does that is by causing you to devalue your budget.  That is, keeping to your budget will seem less important while you are in the throes of desire for that great new flat-screen TV than it seemed before you got to the store.

When you find yourself tempted to break your budget by a very desirable item, the first thing you should do is to walk away.  The TV (or whatever it is) will still be there when you get back later.  And the stores need your business.  The prices will still be good tomorrow or next week. 

By walking away, you allow the hot mode to lose some of its energy and you give your cold system more chance to take over and influence the decision.  If the TV still seems like a good idea when you have had a chance to think about it, then you can decide to change your budget. 

3)  If you find that you have trouble with impulse purchases, consider making all of your purchases in cash.  That is, one way to get around the hot mode of thinking is to structure your world in a way that will help you to keep to your budget.  Bring only the amount of cash to the store that you plan to spend.  Once you run out of cash, you’re done.

4)  Finally, remember that while it is great to give and receive gifts at the holidays, in the end it is just stuff.  Stuff is fun to get.  But it will not change the lives of the people you’re buying for, and it won’t make you or anyone else that much happier in the long-run.  In fact, all of the research on happiness suggests that the best predictor of how happy you will be in 6 months is how happy you are right now.  The little pleasures in life (like gifts) might lift someone’s mood temporarily, but not for long.  Even really big positive events (like winning the lottery or falling in love) don’t affect people’s overall happiness that much in the long-run.

So, buy gifts, but do it within your budget.  Enjoy your family at the holidays.