When you are trying to achieve a difficult goal, it is
common to engage the people close to you for help. Romantic partners are often an important
source of support in cases like this. A
romantic partner can provide encouragement to help with an important goal and
can serve as a cheerleader when you find your motivation flagging.
An interesting paper in the March, 2011 issue of Psychological Science by Grainne
Fitzsimons and Eli Finkel suggests that this reliance can sometimes
backfire. In particular, if you come to
rely on your romantic partner for support, you may sometimes exert less of your
own self-control.
In one study, women were asked to write about how much their
partner helped them achieved their goals to stay healthy and keep fit. A second group wrote about how their partner
helped them achieved their career goals.
A third group wrote about a positive characteristic of their partner.
After the writing task, participants expressed how much time they planned to
devote to pursuing activities relating to health and fitness in the upcoming
week.
The women who wrote about how much their partner helps with
their health and fitness goals said that they would devote much less time in the coming week to this
goal than the women in the other two groups.
The more committed that women were to their relationship with their
partner, the more that writing about their partner’s help decreased the amount
of time they would commit to health and fitness in the next week.
In another study, a group of male and female students wrote
about their partner’s help pursuing their academic goals. Other groups wrote about a partner’s good
characteristics or their partner’s help with the goal of having fun. Later, participants had the chance to perform
two tasks. The main task was an academic preparation task that they were told
would help them to study for future tests.
The second was a set of fun word problems. They were told that doing the fun problems
would be enjoyable, but would make the second academic preparation task less
effective.
Participants who wrote about their partner’s help with their
academic goals spent more time doing the fun problems than those in the other
two groups. That is, those people who
thought about how much their partner helps with academic success actually
exhibited less self-control than those who thought about other characteristics
of their partner.
These results suggest that people in close relationships
come to rely on their partners for help pursuing important goals. This reliance is probably helpful in the
long-run, because the partner provides much-needed support. However, this support comes at a cost. When put in situations that rely on
self-control when their partner is not around, people may have less willingness
to exert their own self-control than they might if they did not have a
supportive partner.
Over time, then, if you are in a committed relationship, you
and your partner may form a unit that acts effectively together. However, if you find yourself having to
commit to your goals when your partner is not around, you may find it difficult
to do so.
However, these results are strongest when you think
specifically about the way your partner has helped you in the past. So, if you are in a committed relationship
and you find your self-control flagging, think about the general positive
characteristics of your partner rather the ways your partner helps you achieve
your goals. That shift in focus should
help you maintain your focus on your goals.
